Marianne Williamson (via alighthouseofwords)
This quote has been in my head for about a month now. It’s probably most famous from “Coach Carter”, but it’s an amazing quote. I know that I am my own worse enemy, I am the only person standing in the way of my own happiness. I could blame it on poor situations & circumstance or other individuals, but at the end of the day I have to take responsibility for myself and the actions - for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. So in that I determine that I am my own greatest obstacle. Going to be hard but I have to “get over myself”.
AFROPUNK2012: DAY 1 Review
*(As that’s the only day I partook in the affair)
So I was one of the thousands of people who ventured into Fort Greene, Brooklyn this weekend for the Afropunk 2012 Festival. I don’t want to get too exact into things, but I did want to give a general overview on my taking in of the event. Take it how you want… Or whatever.
- Everyone looks the fucking same. - It was like if you didn’t have on Kente cloth, blocked colors, or you matched; then you got this stare like “WTF” are you doing here. And/or if you weren’t part of the #teamNATURAL movement that’s taking storm, you also got that WTF stare.
Which is funny… Because I thought the way to be was yourself, which makes you uniquely different. But what I took away from this was that if you dress “different” then you must look “exactly the same” as everyone else, and if you don’t, then you stood out, and it’s not okay to stand out.
- “Top 16 street food trucks across the City”. - Bullshit. I wasted about $20,$23 on crappy food from the vendor trucks inside & out. First problem, all the vendor trucks were outside of the event - which meant everytime you wanted something to eat, you had to brave back through the crowd, get your food, and either scarf it down on the curb outside and/or brave the massive line to enter the park (again) just to get food. Secondly, quality. Nothing I tasted truly blew me away. I mean I’ve gotten a better Sicilian slice of pizza from Central NY, so for this to be considered the top 16 vendors, I was truly disappointed. Oh, and this random ass VIP food vendors. There were 2 taco trucks, I think in VIP areas. Which was funny because it’s a Free event, but if I want empanada’s from Rancho Gringo, then I have to pay you to get in. Oh. *I later found out that there were some celebrities hanging out in the VIP area (Solange, Sway from MTV…)
- Guys > Girls. - There were far more hot/fine/gorgeous men at the Event than the girls that showed up. I saw a couple of cute/beauts as far as the Queers/Boi communities go. But the men showed up & out dressed a lot of the females. *Not that I was going to pick-up anyone, unless it was for a 3some… That’s a whole different time though.
- IRL. - So, I met up with a few folks from Tumblr. I won’t go into details on those that I did. But it was cool to see some of y’all, others were quite awkward, and you could tell who’s more comfortable being behind the screen than actually socially interacting with people. Not complaining or hating on it, it’s just… funny. Anywho, it made me think of how much I put myself out there. And my girlfriend said that from what I present online “people don’t expect you to look like what you actually look like” in person. I don’t quite know what to make of it. I guess I’m supposed to look like the people in my 1st • but… Meh. I don’t photoshop anything about myself, so… Chea. Whatevs. Something to think about. There were a couple of people who I think noticed me (and vice versa) but weren’t sure, so did the awk. double take thingy & let it go.
- Ms. Badu & CPT. - So Erykah Badu didn’t show her ass up until about 9ish. She was set to go on stage at 8:10. BUT I can’t be too mad at her, I mean firstly it’s Badu. She also got major redeeming points when she brought Yasiin Bey out on stage with his cute ass. Spitting that “I Used To Love H.E.R.” verse. So that was dope. She tore down the house, and into Nicki Minaj & the YCMB team for a moment. She’s a Pisces (the ideal one that all the zodiac blogs speak of)… She bought some cool vibes to Brooklyn. And that’s with 2 Ankhs.
- 7ft Giants.- OKAY! This was my #1 annoyance. MFR’s that are a bagizillion feet tall standing up front. When you see someone, that’s my height and/or even slightly taller, WHY would put ya treetop ass in the front of the crowd. You can see OVER everyone, move to the back!
- Posers > People. - It was lowkey funny shit, seeing all the people who are truly into the movement & people who are trying to get into the movement. Like, the Skateboarders and the Boardhavers. That was funny. People walking around with super clean decks, super clean kicks, and no type of sweat. These were the ones you could find over at the 80vendor tents, instead of over on the ramp.
- Tents. - The set-up was kinda awkward. I saw a lot of the same shit. Though I did get this awesome ass $10 cap that I’m in love with, (s/o to Gus for telling me to get it). But ummm, stopped by a couple of them. Wasn’t generally impressed.
- THAT ONE FINE CHICK FROM VANCOUVER THAT I WOULD WIFE EVEN THOUGH WE’RE BOTH TAKEN & SHE’S LIKE 6FT TALL. WHATEVER. SHE WAS HOT. AND DIFFERENT. AND ROLLED A SPLIFF WHILE WAITING FOR THE POTTERPOTTY! :D
I feel like this shouldn’t be called a Festival, more of a “MEETUP featuring some rad music”. If I came, strictly focused on the music, then I would have enjoyed myself more. But I was going for the whole nine yards, (plus the 3pt conversion) which I didn’t receive. I probably would say… I got into the in-zone. The City doesn’t impress me anymore, I took away from this that I needed to do more identity searching & more writing. Spend more time about people & situations that truly matter beyond the face value of things… The shows I liked the most were Radkey, The Skins, The Memorials, Purple Ferdinand (with her petite voice), Alice Smith and Ms. Badu (special appearance by Mos Def). All in all, a day to remember.
“And that’s with 2 Ankhs”
Today I’ve decided it’s time to get back to me. I need to seriously work on making myself happy, doing the things that I enjoy. I’m going to stop letting myself wallow in my pity & allowing fear to cripple me. Only I can make my dreams come true. Even if I’m not sure what they are exactly, yet, I need to take hold of the time I have today because there’s not much left to waste.
When I was younger & I fell for someone, I was… Quite frankly - pathetic. I didn’t have a sense of identity, I let that person consume my being. Their air was the air I breathed, their words were all that I read or heard. Now, I’m not heartless but I’m more aware of the pains of love. I’m aware that there’s feelings involved, on both sides, and that I don’t have the power to decide how that other person feels but I can let them know how I am feeling & what my intentions are.
Today I woke up with more of a desire to become fulfilled. By fulfilled I mean that am going to do whatever it takes to make myself happy. I can no longer look for that happiness externally; in my relationship, through friendships, or through family affairs - I need to look for happiness within myself. This will entail a deeper connection with my faith, eating healthier, working out, and writing more. I will not cut off any connections with people; but understand that I may become more distant as I am doing this soul searching. I will not burden myself with the worries of the world. If I work on who I am, and become a better self, I am already making a change.
school nights, weekends, and sundays
always spent up the street
in the living room
get in line, line
them all up so i can take them down
one by one
piece by piece
i’ll trade my knight
for your queen
i looked up to you
like a child lost in the grocery store
no paging system
just strolling the aisles
not light by glaring fluorescent bulbs
but instead lamps where the bugs
make themselves dizzy in wonder
teaching me the game
piece by piece
one by one
you thought she was the best on the board
and i’ll take your pawn too
on the move
i’ve moved on since those nights
but sometimes i long for those days to end
no more responsibilities
and no thoughts on failed policies
just 2 tables
I’m going to take a sabattical from my work. I’ll buy a plane ticket to somewhere, probably Belize or Amsterdam, and begin my journey of travelling for an entire year. My friends did this about 2yrs ago, traveled all over Europe and North Africa, once they were done they’ve settling in Brooklyn, NY.
I’ve tried to build relationships & connections within all the ‘groups’ I’m apart of. A lot of lesbians (especially now) are messy and trifling. Colored folks are too busy worried about their “swag”, baby daddy, or some other nonsense. And my friends that aren’t concerned with that, don’t have the same life/circumstances I do thus we can communicate but we can never relate to one another. Oh, and I don’t like females but I really can’t trust too many dudes out here either.
So that being said, I’m outties. Maybe it’s Americans that I can’t deal with. My best friend Kalani lives in France, and basically she’s been the truest of truth since 2006. The only exception to all those negatives live overseas. I think it’s time for me to do the same.